{Grandpa Needs Presents}

I know what you’re thinking.

“What am I going to get Grandpa for his birthday tomorrow?!”

Forget the fact that I haven’t posted in almost a month. Grandpa needs presents!

Now there’re a few things he NEEDS and a few things he would RATHER have.

First of all, he NEEDS to update his wardrobe. Although, he has plenty of new, stylish old-man clothes {like plaid shirts and chinos} he’d RATHER wear mismatched or stained outfits - with a belt … and suspenders {you never know when you’ll need both, you know?}

He also NEEDS a vacation. Who says you should stay at home all the time just cause you’re old? Just last week, his two best buddies {Ferris and Charlie} road tripped it, to Canada. Ferris {a former World War II pilot} usually flies his own plane on these little adventures, but for reasons unknown - but best for everybody - they decided to keep both feet on the ground for this one. But for some reason, Grandpa said he’d RATHER stay home. You can’t miss an afternoon at the senior center without the threat of loosing you’re popularity, I guess. And what if he missed the latest episode of “Yukon Men”? That just wouldn’t do.

Finally, Grandpa NEEDS new ears. The hearing aids just aren’t cutting it. Even when he remembers to put them in, he often gives me “the pity laugh.” When Grandpa has NO IDEA what you’re saying he gives you the pity laugh and then says something that has nothing to do with the little chat you’re having … or he just walks away and that’s the end of the conversation.

Dialogue with grandpa isn’t even the most exciting part. Lately, he likes to turn the upstairs TV to FOX NEWS and the downstairs TV to CNN and crank up the volume so the whole neighborhood knows the nitty gritty details of Obama and Romney’s race to the death. I don’t even have to be in the same room to know that Obama’s running the country into the ground or Romney is too rich to understand real Americans … or whatever. I don’t really do politics.

But my personal favorite aspect of Grandpa’s hearing problem is waking up to the incessant beeping of his alarm clock on Saturday mornings. I don’t know how it can wake me from a dead sleep one floor up and not even phase the sugar plum fairies dancing around his head less than one foot away.

But the bright side is that after the alarm goes for an unnatural amount of time, the radio turns on and Rush Limbaugh serenades me back to sleep. Oh, how I love Saturdays!

Oh geeze. Look at me; I’ve totally lost my train of thought. My excitement for tomorrow morning overcame me. We were talking about what to get Grandpa for his one and only 83^rd birthday weren’t we?

You know what? Scratch my previous ideas for Grandpa’s birthday presents. If you want to gift your way into Grandpa’s heart, give him a whole bag of chocolate bridge mix or a Smith’s Manager Special rhubarb pie.

Here’s to 83 years of Harold R. Orme. Without that man, I wouldn’t have such an entertaining grandpa, or a blog.